I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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