He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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