Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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