Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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