i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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