I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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