I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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