Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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