I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
