Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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