she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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