Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
