if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
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