Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
