True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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