Capitaan dildo arrescate!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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