We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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