I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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