I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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