how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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