The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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