Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We just shotgunned beers for America
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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