Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
