Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
