im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I need a beard to bite.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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