I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
