I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
