my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Buhtt sex?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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