im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
