If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
