If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
