I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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