Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
