i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
