All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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