it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
