my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
