I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize