If you're really into hairy Serbian chicks, Cleveland has a lot to offer(216): We're going to cougar night, the serbian chicks are the best aged.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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