This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Randomize
