just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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