i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Found your dick twin last night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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