I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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