Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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