i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
