Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
