Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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