Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
