Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
