i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
