He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
