I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize