i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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