I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
