i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
