Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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