Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
