he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize