This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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