what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize