i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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