it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
