grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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