I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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