i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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