this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
