Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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