dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
