just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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