he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
